By Diane Donovan-Vaughn 9/30/2017
“The rescuer always gets kicked in the teeth,” said the professor in one of my counseling classes. At that time, I was consummate rescuer. Many of the symptoms of rescuer throughout my short adulthood to that point had taken a serious toll on my energy. Why even rescue others might be a good place to start. After all some people would never dream of rescuing anyone because of course, they are the ones desperately looking for someone to fix something or the ones desperately looking to be validated or even worshipped by others. I have been a sucker for a helpless look, sad story or a need to be noticed. In fact, from childhood many women are trained to be nice, to always be helpful, and to in fact desire to serve without reward or at least to pretend to be this way, creating infinite possibilities for becoming a façade rather than a real person. Some are trained that being nice or kind is weak creating a consdition to be used by others.
My reasoning for rescuing at that time was that I knew how to fix the problem or at least would try to help fix a problem that did not belong to me. Unfortunately, I had no idea that everyone has different voices in the head, plays energy games that I could not imagine and creates problems they cannot solve because of their beliefs, ones I cannot alter.
The other day, I asked someone who helped me, “why will one person kick you in the teeth and I will not even though you helped us both?” One of the hallmarks of rescuing is the appearance and most likely belief in helplessness both by you and the person you rescue, along with feeling sorry for the person. The same professor said, “Do not feel sorry for anyone because then you may justify the person feeling sorry for themselves.” Are you seeing and hearing how important it is for a therapist to avoid rescuing and feeling sorry for others? Simply put, these two reactions are not therapy.
To answer the question about why no kicking will be taking place when helping me is that you will find a reciprocal relationship, give and take balancing. We are actually taught this dance when you learn to give a birthday present to the friend who gives you one but if energy games or strings get attached then the kicking/rescuer game can enter this activity as well. Always look for balance, for energy that improves or remains strong. When energy is being drained, back off because you are listening to your ego about the problems of and so-called solutions for someone else. This give and take is not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes a person thinks they give a bucket of energy when in reality they take a bucket and give a teaspoon in return. You are doing no one a favor by staying in this type of game.
Compassion, kindness and love are completely different activities than rescuing or feeling sorry for people that may or may not require any action. In fact, you can be kind to everyone. You can send love to everyone and you can practice compassion moment by moment. For your actions to reflect kindness, love and compassion require you to surrender to a higher power to be truly helpful. The ego easily influences you to act before you surrender to the oneness. A connection to all that is can and will give you direction as soon as you surrender.
You can actually gage how well you are surrendering by observing your body and your emotions. If you feel frustrated or think “What the hell” you are in your ego. If you are tired or exhausted, then you are in your ego. Stop acting and listen. Surrender to your higher self. Back up and realize your ego has no idea how to fix a problem someone else has created. A Course in Miracles says, “I am only here to be truly helpful. I am here to represent Him who sent me. I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me. I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me. I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.”
The ego can never tell you how to be truly helpful. However, when you are tuned in, you will be in the place you need to be to help the ones you can help and once you have arrived, you will be filled with the light and energized rather than depleted.
The other side of this story is if people feel drained by you, judged by you, avoid you, or in any way you continually have friends or others drift away or flee from you, then look in the mirror and find your helplessness, your neediness for validation or desires to be worshipped. Here the ego is cut off from source and instead looks to people as the source of supply. People do not have the energy you desire and in fact will always result in lack. Only reconnection with the one true source will suffice in every instance.
The Compassion Lesson for today is Chapter Thirteen in A year of Living with more Compassion – 52 Quotes and Weekly Compassion Practices (Edited by Richard Fields) pp. 44-45.
Let’s practice. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. Place your attention on the center of your chest. Imagine a tube of light surrounding you and inside that tube imagine a violet fire purifying every part of you. You are a pure being of light connected to everything. Surrender to the wholeness. Release your belief in being special and separate. Embrace the oneness. Focus on the violet flame and take it with you everywhere you go, allowing the light to fill your aura with kindness, love and compassion as it guides all your choices and all your actions and… Enjoy your life. Namaste